Don't make out with my wife yet
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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