I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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