I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
