I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
