we're chasing vodka with high fives
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
