why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
