He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
