you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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