I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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