Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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