the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
