Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
