brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
