with your own penis?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
