I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
