Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
