I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
