Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
