i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
