If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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