I'm passing your future prison.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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