I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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