I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
