so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
