Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
