Old men and throwing up are my life now.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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