just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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