i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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