well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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