You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
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