ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
