he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
