I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
