I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
