I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
