Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
