I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
