Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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