By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
