You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
