i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
