I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
