chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
