so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Randomize
