Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
