I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
They took my balls.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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