Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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