So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
