Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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