proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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